I don’t understand why genders differ so much in their approach to sex. Men, particularly those looking for a casual encounter through a dating app, seem to think that any woman would be glad to have the chance to be with them. That there’s no need for stimulation beforehand, either intellectual or emotional.

And yet, women want to feel safe. We want to feel at least some level of connection with a man before jumping into bed with him. Or am I wrong? Clearly there must be women that would go directly to a man’s house — who she’s never met — and immediately bed him. Based on the behavior of guys I and my single girlfriends have interacted with, there must be some precedent for this behavior…isn’t there?

An anecdote. A friend was chatting with a guy for several weeks and they talked about having a casual fling. She told him that to feel safe, she would want to meet somewhere neutral first to discuss what each of them wanted, what was okay and what wasn’t. He agreed. But when it came to the day they planned to meet, he told her to come to his house.

“What happened to our conversation about meeting to discuss it beforehand,” she asked. I won’t repeat what he said, but suffice it to say it was crude and told her exactly what he wanted her to do to him. I imagine he made her feel disconnected and disgusted.

Did he really think she’d jump at the chance to service him in his own home, with no caution about going to a stranger’s house? Do men really think we’re that dumb?

Then again…are we?

I went on a date with a man and we had our first kiss. Immediately after that kiss, he said, “let’s go back to my place.”

I was dumbfounded. Here I was, trying to enjoy a romantic moment, and he was six steps ahead of me, mentally undressing me. I tried to play it off, saying, “Dude, I don’t even know you yet. Too soon.”

On the car ride home, I went into how I needed to feel safe to a) go to a stranger’s home and b) get intimate. That he’d want the same for his sister. That he needed to be patient. Yada yada. He acted like he heard me.

The next day, we had planned to meet for lunch. I texted to get a location to meet and he suggested I come over to his house with food.

In one ear and out the other. The conversation did not end well.

I am an intelligent, mature, attractive woman. It frustrates me to no end when all men see is the physical. And the funny thing is: if they showed even one ounce of restraint…if they at least pretended to be interested in what I was saying, they’d get what they wanted a lot faster.

So Why are the Rules Different?

I like to imagine that guy never got a girl to come to his house and have sex with him, that he’s learned his lesson and started treating women better. But in reality, there was probably some insecure female who liked his attention and fell for his plan. Multiply that result all over the world, and there are just enough women perpetuating the myth to fuck the rest of us over.

Women like sex. I like sex. I would have far more of it if men simply treated me like a human rather than a blow up doll. I get pissed when I get sucked into this black hole yet again, and often I can’t see it coming. They start out innocent enough, asking me about my world, my interests. I relax my guard, feeling like maybe this guy will be different.

Only he isn’t.

I know there is scientific research to show that men and women look at sex differently, that dating is a vastly unique experience for each gender. But damn, how are we ever supposed to connect if we’re on such distant planets from one another?

I'm a writer, author (yes, there IS a difference!), world traveler, and entrepreneur. I like cold foam lattes, sushi, and stout beer...just not usually at the same time.

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