ATTENTION PLEASE: I have closed down my profiles and uninstalled the dating apps from my phone.
[Note: I’ve done this several times already, so don’t panic. I’ll backslide sooner or later…]
Dating apps. I swore I would never use them…but meeting people in real life is harder than it sounds. Sure, rom-coms have us believing you can bump into your dream guy at the coffee shop, but let me share a secret with you:
He’s either gay or married.
So about two years ago, I started exploring dating apps. I started with eHarmony, since I liked the number of questions they ask you to help you find your “soul mate.” Only…they didn’t.
I moved on to free sites like Zoosk and Badoo, but let me just say: these are Catfish Central. One day, I’ll share some of my extensive collection of catfish stories.
I had a brief dalliance with Tinder, when people started telling me it wasn’t just for hookups.
They were wrong. I shut that down quick. My ears blush at some of the things men said to me…
I actually liked Bumble, Match, and OKCupid, and filled up my calendar last year with dates. Only one turned into anything, a four-month relationship that still ended in disappointment.
But this year, the well is dry. I’ve apparently dated every halfway decent guy in San Diego who isn’t intimidated by a smart-as-fuck curvy woman who doesn’t want to be dominated by a misogynistic man. That isn’t much to ask, is it??
That’s not to say I haven’t been on dating apps. It’s become like a part-time job. In the evenings (okay, and on my lunch break, and when I’m on the toilet), I’d taken to swiping through, skimming profiles to make sure:
a) he wasn’t married and looking for a unicorn (the urban definition of that word has forever ruined the idea of a mythical beast for me)
b) he wasn’t ethically polyamorous (isn’t that an oxymoron?)
c) he seemed like he had something of a brain in his skull
Then comes the waiting. Because the men I choose rarely choose me back. I even paid for a week on Bumble where I could see who liked me. Felt like a game hack. Except…90% of them were over 90 miles away from me. WTF? My search filter was set to a conservative 15-mile radius (don’t get me started on how I don’t want to drive 20 minutes for a boy), so why was I appearing in their searches?
Otherwise, they were just…not for me. I guess that’s how the hotties I hopeful-swipe feel about me…
Anyway, when I would connect with a guy and start chatting, about 80% of the time, the conversation would fall flat and they’d disappear. This, after me wasting 2 hours that I could have been submerged in books.
It’s not that I mind being alone. I happen to think my own company is some of the finest around. But dating apps have been Hope. The hope that, like two of my good friends, I’d find that amazing man who just got me.
Apparently, he’s going to have to get me offline…