What it Means to Be a Man, Italy Edition

I hadn't realized that masculinity comes in different forms until I moved to Italy.

In the U.S., we have terms like toxic masculinity, machismo, and even misogyny. And while certainly there are men that fit this bill here in Italy, I've come to learn that there are different ways to be masculine.

In Italy, Affection Rules

In America, you'd be hard-pressed to see men do anything more than the chest-to-chest "bro hug." Affection, it seems, our men have been taught, equals weakness.

In Italy, nothing could be further from reality. This is a kissing culture, and that means even men kiss one another on the cheek. I see men walking arm-in-arm down the street, and there's nothing romantic or sexual about it.

A Sense of Responsibility

When I first encountered this sense of chivalry, it felt archaic and a bit condescending. I think I asked Fra's father for a tool to do a project. He immediately wanted to do it for me. I took offense, thinking he didn't think this little American girl had the palle to do the project.

But I've since realized this isn't the case. It's that men bend over backwards to help women. And I've learned to love this. When I found a nail in my tire, I drove the car to my father-in-law, who dropped everything to get it fixed within the hour. His uncle always gives me the few fresh strawberries that grow in his garden. And Fra always offers to drive.

I'm learning to let go of that knee-jerk reaction that men think I'm less capable because I'm a woman. And even if they do think that, I quickly prove them wrong!

No Games Needed

Speaking as a woman who was single and dated for eight years, I can say that American men play their fair share of games. We women tiptoe through the early weeks of dating. If we text too frequently, we'll scare them off. If we ask them to define the relationship, or at least tell us if they're dating other people, they assume we want to marry them.

In Italy, I didn't have that experience. People start dating, and generally, unless something goes wrong, they stay together. There's less of this dating around, fear of missing out crap that we have in the U.S.

Maybe it's because I dated a small-town boy who didn't have a lot of options in terms of single, attractive, not-cousins women! But from the start, dating Fra felt different. He texted hours after our first date, so I didn't have to sweat it out waiting for him. He was a little slow to call me his girlfriend, but it all worked out in the end!

Yes, I'm generalizing how Italian men are. There certainly are stronzi (assholes) here, and they don't all cherish women like they should. But I think Italian men don't have that macho chip on their shoulder and don't feel the pressure to prove their manliness.