Death in Calabria

First of all, Happy Halloween! It's not much of a thing in Calabria, though I am sharing a bit of my American culture by having a Halloween party tonight.

Since we're on the subject of darker things, I'd like to talk about death in Calabria. We take it for granted that the customs and traditions we're used to are the same everywhere, but as I learned recently, that's not always the case.

Sadly, one of Fra's aunts passed away a few weeks ago, and when I witnessed their traditions, I was surprised at several differences from those I grew up with.

Differences Between American and Calabrian Death Customs

From afar, our death customs are similar. There's a period of visitation, a funeral, and a burial or cremation.

But that's where the similarities end.

1. The Body (Sometimes) Remains at Home

When people die in remote villages like Davoli, it's hardly worth the effort to transport the body down to a larger town to the funeral home, only to return it to the town for mass and burial.

So if people die at home, that's where they remain for the lutto, or mourning period. Family members wash and dress the body, and it is laid out in a coffin for friends and loved ones to pay their respects to.

I don't know if this is customary all over Calabria or Italy, but several family members (my father-in-law, brother-in-law, and cousins) stayed the night with our aunt's body. This is called la veglia, or the vigil. It shows respect and devotion for the person who has passed away, and marks the transition from death to burial or cremation.

I've never liked viewing an open casket. For me, the person is gone, and what remains is a shell. Still, it was beautiful to see so many people lovingly touch her hand, whisper goodbye, and give her a kiss.

2. The Funeral Happens Fast

In the U.S., the funeral is usually held three to five days after someone dies. This gives people time to arrange their schedules and travel if necessary. Thus, the body is embalmed to preserve it for several days.

Here, I was shocked that the funeral happened the day after she died. I guess since everyone already lived within a five-minute walk of the church, there was no need to delay.

3. We Walk Following the Hearse

I'm pretty sure this only happens in towns where everything's close together and there isn't a lot of traffic, but before the funeral, the pallbearers (who are employees of the funeral home, not loved ones, the way they are in the U.S.) carried her casket to the hearse, and we followed on foot to the church.

It was a solemn, silent walk that gave us time to reflect on her life.

In the U.S., seeing as we are such a car culture, everyone drives to the church in time for the service. To me, this feels more disconnected than us all being together in our mourning walk.

4. There's No Potluck After the Funeral

At every funeral I've been to, there has been a surplus of casseroles, cakes, and dishes at the wake. Funeral attendees eat and share stories of the deceased, and it provides closure.

Imagine my surprise when these Italians--who LIVE to eat--didn't bring anything to the house, nor did they eat together!

Fra and I picked up pizza the night she died to share with the family, who were there until late, but because they didn't want to be rude and eat in front of the visitors, we waited until 11 p.m. to eat. The next day, we hid in the cantina for a quick sandwich.

While they may not have dropped off casseroles to be frozen and eaten when needed, Mamma, Zia, and other women are rotating feeding Zio.

5. There Are Restrictions on What You Can Do with Cremated Ashes

Okay, to be fair, I know that you can't just scatter ashes anywhere in the U.S. without permission, but it seems like there are even more restrictions here. I heard that you need special paperwork if you want to do anything with the ashes other than leave them in the cemetery or have them in your home.

6. There is a Mourning Period of One Year

While this used to be more strictly enforced, with women wearing black for an entire year in their mourning period, it's less the case these days. Back in the day, widows even locked themselves in their homes for the first few weeks. I can't even imagine.

There is a mass held after one year to honor the dead. In the U.S., there's no traditional mourning period.

For me, reflecting on the loss of a loved one is a private, personal event. But I did find that the sense of community here at the viewing and wake was also lovely. It's just another example of how I'm finding my way between two cultures.